The Reason For My Absence Revealed

Hey everyone! So for the first time in a while I'll be writing about something very personal which I've told a few people only. If you religiously or used to follow this blog, you might have noticed a long period of time since I wrote something and you guys might have asked what ever happened to the blog? Also, when I do post, it's been very rare for me to post about makeup, reviews, or even book some gigs. I was not as active in writing or posting works or even advertising my services. Well, here's the reason. Last year, I went on a self-imposed makeup semi-retirement. Yes. You heard that right.  I wanted to call it quits already with the world that has been my life for a decade.

Sunset taken in Boracay 2017
That sunset I thought was the stage of my makeup life

I actually contemplated on doing this a few years prior, only for gigs to just pop up when I least expected it. Also, I pretty much did not have a choice because 1. We all got to earn a decent living. 2. I valued my self-worth (I never believed in the saying "This girl really doesn't need to work." Everyone needs to work. Even heiresses need to work because they will have to know how to manage the business when the time comes).  3. I just left a project . However, there were times that I felt sad and fatigued when I got homeafter a job  even when my pockets were full. And it wasn't just the lack of recovery food because I ate healthier food choices than my contemporaries. It was my emotions that were tiring me out. It was the drama. SO. MUCH. DRAMA.

If I were to count the drama I experienced in the world of makeup from the time I decided to study makeup, while I was in makeup school, graduated, and up to now and write each experience down and make it to a soap opera, it would probably last longer than FPJ's Ang Probinsyano probably would. From building our portfolios during Multiply days (yes, it has been that long) up to social media hashtags and Twitter wars, there was drama. There was inggitan, fake news, blocking, gossip, ego tripping, and people trying to undermine the other. Someone told me that to stay long in this industry, you needed to have a strong gut. One day, my gut couldn't just handle the drama.

Maybe it was the yoga teacher in me that asked, do you really need the drama and negativity in your life? Yoga teaches me to let go. We let go of what we do not need, what is negative, what does not serve us. Then I realized one thing. What I liked with makeup was actually working. I liked to create looks. I liked making people beautiful (or ugly, if I were doing special effects). I wanted to create characters and challenge my capabilities. I didn't like being bullied just because my rates were different. I didn't like sucking up to people who were treating me like crap because I was just "a beautician". Nor did I like staying up late in a club to network. The moment I was done with my work, the first thing I look forward to doing is 1. removing the dirt and makeup sitting on my face 2. feeding and hugging my cats and 3. cleaning their litterboxes. I felt unappreciated for what I could do especially when my gigs get cancelled because I am "out of their budget". I felt that I stayed because I was just so used to this and I've been so well invested here materially and financially. I felt that I was in a toxic relationship. So one day, I packed my pro kit, placed them in storage, delisted myself in wedding supplier directories, and silently transitioned out.

I never made a formal announcement because I thought why add to the drama which I was avoiding in the first place? With the influx too of newer, younger, and much more affordable makeup artists, I was bound to be forgotten anyway. Thankfully, I wasn't super bored and unemployed. There were also times that I would take my things out of storage because good friends and past clients would hire me to get their makeup done. I was thankful that my job as a yoga teacher kept me busy. There were months that I was teaching around 5 classes a week. The students joked that no day is complete if they do not see me in the yoga studio. I started eating better because my creative energies were focused on my meal prepping which I sometimes shared in my blog. However, shortly my blog took a break too. Why? Blogger drama of course! Allergic ako sa real-life drama. I was already following 5 telenovelas and Game of Thrones already (LOL).  It was a very welcome change for me physically and emotionally. No withdrawals. I was so thankful that I got so busy and life found a way for my energy to be diverted to something positive. Had I experienced a lull I probably would have been so bitter and angry.

                      most of my healing days were spent makeup-free and experiencing "normal people" weekends.
Here's a weekend visit at Ilog Maria Honeybee farm, and cuddling their kitties.

Even though I never made a formal announcement, I told a handful of people of my self-imposed retirement which got mixed reactions. Some accepted my decision. A lot were saddened. The first thing a lot of people asked was "What are you going to do with all your equipment?"  I wasn't really thinking about them. They were just things. I did give some away, though. When I get asked what my things were doing I would say, They're just there. Sometimes I would use them on myself (hence my project pan) but most of the time I wouldn't since I was almost always gym mode. It came to the point I would get so annoyed when someone would tell me I'm back in the game when I would post a photo. It was like telling me to take that toxic boyfriend back because we look so cute in Instagram together. I started unsubscribing from makeup brand mailing lists so I do not get tempted to buy.

What I felt then was that I felt my spirit was broken and I just wanted to heal. I had to get out, detox, and take time off. As of the moment, I knew it would later on be a permanent thing. Slowly, I was like panindigan ko na and took my absence further and deleted the aspect of beauty in all my social media accounts (even put ex-MUA in case you guys didn't notice). I was just relieved. I was able to breathe better. I didn't do this for anyone. I had to do this for myself. Manghinayang na ang world with the talent I put in retirement. They will just have to deal. Besides, my creative channels were unleashed elsewhere.

creative energies were channeled making food, crafts, and ways to annoy my cats

Here's the thing I realized though, drama is EVERYWHERE as in literally everywhere. Even within the four corners of my home, my cats have their own dramas. It's just cuter in their case since they are cats. I may have escaped the drama of blogging and makeup but there is drama too outside it. There was drama between friends, between family, even the world of pole dancing and yoga, which rescued me from being battered and broken in spirit had their own little dramas. I open Facebook, there's drama. Even if I escaped all of this and flew in some remote island with more cats than there are people, there's bound to be drama as well. Drama, retrogrades, name it.

While I couldn't take a step back in life (because how?) I still took in some makeup jobs hired by friends.  One time, a photographer friend of mine called me for a shoot. When I got to his studio early (because he's always early) we got to talking and I found out he also went on a silent break. However, he decided to come back again, but take in jobs that were less taxing to the emotions. Then I figured out, the jobs I took while I was in self-retirement, I was hardly stressed at all. Those I took in were with people who knew my worth and respected my job as an artist. They knew that this wasn't playtime but a real, legitimate job.  Maybe I would be a little bit physically exhausted but I didn't feel like my life was sucked away from me. Drama may be present but it's up to us to learn to manage the energies surrounding it.

Luckily during my retirement,  life directed me to work that was in tune to my own energies. Still on retirement mode, a friend of mine was offering a series of makeup masterclasses at affordable promo rates. I enrolled because I wanted to be a supportive friend and also for added knowledge. The masterclass wasn't your typical technique-based class. It had a big chunk of business side, not just to market yourself as a professional but also how to protect your business from loopholes in your contracts. I also learned one thing: To know my market and my worth. I also found a circle that encourages people rather than put them down. As my friend said "I am not competing with anyone. I believe we will all make it."

Life gives you lot of dramas. It's up to us to choose how to deal with them. I can either not mind the chismis or choose to direct my energy to what I could do rather than dwelling on the boo-boo. It is possible to not let the drama affect what I could do.

I can't say that I'm fully back since my workload is not the same as it was. I guess I will have to learn to balance and of course the most important part is to take care of myself, which I have neglected in the past. Not just physically like health, diet, etc. But also emotions. I meditate more. I listen to my body if it's tired. I give myself self-imposed day offs once a week where I spend time by myself at home hugging my cats, cooking, or doing chores (I love doing chores! It's my therapy). I tell myself to travel at least once a year and space my travels well so I don't get stressed. Since I'm in my late 30's already, I can't do the monster hectic schedule I had when I was in my early 20's. So I also have to choose the jobs that I have to do, taking into account what I have learned as a yoga teacher. I now should work smarter, not harder.

I know it's hard to pick up the pieces I left. I'm still healing so I'm doing this baby steps. My blog traffic TBH is not the same as it was a few years back, but hopefully I will get new following and new traffic.

Let's just be patient and not too hard on ourselves or hard on others. We will get there.